Tested, and Found Guilty

I apologize for the lack of posts lately.  We have been completely out of routine and I have had little time to just sit in the quiet and reflect, let alone compose my thoughts into writing.

But this morning, I was reading in Psalm 17 and verse 3 hit home so hard that I must share what God is teaching me.

“You have tried my heart, you have visited me by night, you have tested me, and you will find nothing.  I have purposed that my mouth will not transgress.” Ps 17:3

I wish I could say this verse hit home because its a perfect reflection of my life, but that is not the truth.  A while back I wrote a post titled Confession, the hard truth story of how I don’t feel adequate for the mothering role to which God has called me.  Since then I have made several (feeble) attempts to change my thought patterns.  But the truth be told, I still have not embraced this role that God has given me.

So when I read David’s words this morning my heart was saddened because I knew these words were not true of my life.  God is trying me and testing me and he’s finding all kinds of gunk.  Worse yet, I do not purpose that my mouth will be free from sin.  As a matter of fact, too often I use words that hurt my kids; I don’t do it on purpose, but rather it is the overflow of my frustration and impatience.  The words I hear coming forth from my own mouth grieve me.

So what’s the solution?

Prayer.  Time.  Truly developing the fruit of the spirit.  And kindness.  Lots and lots of kindness.

Earlier this year, the hubs and I were at a marriage conference with The Feldhahn’s.  Shaunti Feldhahn recently wrote The Kindness Challenge, a book that challenges people to improve relationships in 30 days simply by being kind.  (You can learn more by following the link).  But the ultimate goal of the challenge is to begin seeing your problem relationships is a positive light.  You are not allowed to speak negative of the person, but instead must find one positive statement to speak to them each day.

Honestly, God has been calling me to do this with Evan for some time but I haven’t acted. But now is the time, for I want Ps 17 to be true in my life.  I want my lips to be free of deceit; I want to purpose that my mouth will not transgress.

So here it goes.  The next time you see me, my tongue might be bruised from biting it so much!  But it’s worth it to improve this most important (and most challenging) relationship with my son!  Keep me in your prayers and feel free to call my bluff if you hear me speaking words that are not kind.

I’ll keep you posted!


3 thoughts on “Tested, and Found Guilty

  1. I will be praying for you my friend… I can completely relate to your struggle, because it too is a struggle for me… As of recently I have been convicted of my own actions now more than ever. I am currently in a small group within Christian Women Fellowship here in CA. We are doing a bible study that within about 13 weeks we will cover the entire book of Proverbs. This for me has been an eye opening experience and I am gaining more insight with each study. Good luck and Love you girlie.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: The Kindness Challenge | Fireflies in the Night

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